I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
