I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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