so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
