is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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