things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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