i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
