I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
