Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
