I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
