What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
