why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
