Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
