stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Houston, we have a squirter
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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