Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
