and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
