Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
