Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
even my farts smell like vagina
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
