It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
