Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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