Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
