"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
