My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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