WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
