you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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