the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
