Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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