I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
