I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
