his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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