Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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