I wish they made helmets for livers.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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