last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
