gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
