just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
