I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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