I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
