she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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