i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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