I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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