I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
