So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
its liver damage thursday
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
