soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
