his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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