How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
