Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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