I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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