After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
