You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
