I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
