I accidentally had phone sex last night
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
