kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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